Like no other
by Emma-face
Summary: A post Run one shot in which Emily reflects on her feeling for JJ and her decision to leave.


My first and probably last venture into the world of Criminal Minds fic. It popped into my head after watching Run so I wrote it down. It's unedited and not quiet as perfect as I wanted but I hope you like it anyway. Review and let me know.

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There's no-one in the world quiet like Jennifer Jareau. She really is a uniquely incredible woman.

She was the first member of the team to welcome me and she helped me find my feet in Washington. She kept an eye on me during those first few cases, watching to make sure I wasn't overwhelmed by the gruesomeness of the world the BAU worked in. In truth she needn't have worried but it was nice to know she was looking out for me.

She was the first real friend, and one of the only friends, I made in my time here. She invited me to Girls Nights Out with Garcia and those night will always be some of my favourite times spent in DC. It was on one of those Girls Nights that it came out, or rather I came out, as bisexual. I was nervous about how she would react; I knew she was a from a small town in Pittsburgh and I feared she might be freaked out but she barely flinched at the news. As we walked home together later that night she assured me that I could talk to her about anything, whether it was guy trouble or girl trouble, and she would always be there to listen.

There was one thing I never did tell her; she never knew how I felt about her. I hid that secret deeper than I hid my past at Interpol. I could never pinpoint when exactly my feelings drifted from friendly to more romantic (and at times straight up lusty) but I was painfully aware that they had shifted. I knew it could never happen. She was straight and I knew that. I didn't mind though, working with her everyday and being her friend, that was good enough for me. It wasn't until she met William LaMontagne Jr that I realised I was wrong. Sure she might have danced with guys when we went out, but they never really meant anything to her, they were nothing but transient characters in her life but Will was different. Will was someone substantial to her. Seeing them together I truly realised that no matter how much I loved her it could never be me that she loved back. Will might be the one to have everything I would have given anything to have with her.

The pain was intense and as someone who has on occasion been tortured that's saying something. But I managed to do what I always do when I have feelings I don't want to deal with; I buried them. I locked my feelings for me in a compartment inside another compartment and I destroyed the keys. It didn't help though; these feelings had a life of their own, they could run around my mind rampant and uncontrollable any time they liked and all I could do was try my best to make sure none of the skilled profilers around me noticed. I settled for the consolation prize that was her friendship which was all I could have hoped for anyway. And so I supported her through her pregnancy and listened when she had problems with Will because that's what friends do. I babysat Henry and contented myself with just being a part of her life. Seeing the person I loved happy and being a part of it was enough.

Just over a year ago she went from being my best friend to being my saviour. When I 'died' and relocated to Paris I felt more isolated and lonely than I ever had before. Then she came up with a way for us to communicate that wouldn't be traced. Through games of online Scrabble I was able to keep in touch with her and my life at home. It wasn't much but it was enough to keep me going until they could catch that low life Doyle and resurrect me. During my time in Paris I had a lot of time to think, too much time. All too often my mind opened up that locked and sealed compartment and imagined what my life might have been if JJ had chosen me instead of Will. If Henry was our child instead of his. Would they be here with me? If they were it would be a much more enjoyable experience. When I came back to life and back to DC I had to rebury all those thoughts and accept the fact that it wasn't me and it never would be.

I thought I would feel relieved to come home after my time in Paris, I thought things would go back to the way they were before I left. And in a lot of ways they did but still those thoughts of what could have been echoed in the back of my mind. It wasn't that I wanted JJ, I wasn't stupid enough to think that that could happen, but I wanted what she had with Will. I wanted a love and a life of my own. Being her friend wasn't enough any more I wanted to settle down and make a life of my own and find someone to share that life with. I tried to make that happen, I really did but it just didn't feel right. I had a feeling that no matter how hard I tried not to, anyone I met here would only be compared to her. I needed a change of scenery. So when Clyde offered me that position in London I was tempted, even in the chaos of the bank robbery and Will going missing I was still considering it. I knew I would miss the team, in the last few years they really had became my family but I knew if I was doing what was right for me they would understand and support me.

When we solved the case and I found out that JJ and Will were getting married it gave me the push I needed to accept the job with Interpol and finally start getting on with my own life. The day they got married was the day I made my decision to leave. I realised that she wasn't Jennifer Jareau any more, even if she hadn't changed it legally, I knew she was Jennifer LaMontagne now.


End file.
